Chicken Lingerie

It's taken me awhile to get around to writing this post because...well...it's weird, guys. The whole chicken diaper thing...it's just weird. No offense to anyone who routinely puts diapers on their chickens, or to the lovely people who earn a living making and selling them...but...it's an odd as hell thing to have to do. But since I recently was referenced in an article about poultry diapers (see it here) (even though, might I add, I have never actually shown my chickens in diapers or even really mentioned it—except for a couple short IG stories--until now), I thought I should go ahead and throw in my two cents on the subject, as well as show you my pretty easy DIY chicken diaper. Ehem...DIY chicken lingerie.

So go ahead and pour yourself a drink (a stiff one), cuz trust me, you're going to need it to get through this. 

So for any non-chicken people out there: yes, chicken diapers are a thing. Because...chickens poop. And it's gross. And sometimes there are circumstances where you need your chickens to not poop...for instance, special needs chickens that have to live in the house to survive, or therapy chickens that visit places where it's generally maybe frowned upon to shit everywhere. Orrrrr even just chicken owners who want to spend a little bit of quality time hanging out with their most special little bird but, yanno...want to keep that quality time as clean as possible.

Chicken diapers. Search it on The Google. You'll see. Plenty of companies make them and sell them.

So let's circle back to me now. Because it's always about me. As a general rule of thumb, I don't really believe in putting clothes on chickens unless it's absolutely necessary. Because guess what? THEY DON'T LIKE IT. Sure, sure, sure, you all know I'll set a tiny flower crown or two on my chickens or an itty bitty scarf in the winter--all for a quick gimmicky photoshoot. So I'm actually a hypocrite, COOLCOOLCOOL. I'm okay with that. Like I said earlier, I recognize that there are instances where "clothes" are necessary, like hen saddles (little protective coats that hens sometimes have to wear when a rooster is being overly amorous...oh why sugar coat this? Roosters are giant assholes and they are frequently super violent when they mount a hen and can actually damage her back--so the poor little hen may have to wear a cute little coat for protection). And that brings us to diapers. In my day-to-day chicken life, I don't use them. If I bring a chicken into the house for whatever reason, they are usually content to sit on top of a wee-wee pad and hang out. When and if I bring my chickens inside, it's usually for a short, controlled, sanitary visit, but I don't let them free-range in the house, so I don't need dipes. If I did actually have one living full time in the house--let's say a special needs chicken--I would probably let that chicken cruise around the house wearing a diaper from time to time. 

So why, you ask, do I have a DIY chicken diaper tutorial about to happen? Because, in this weird little professional life I've carved out for myself, there's actually going to be a need from time to time for me to bring my chickens out and about to certain work functions. To make appearances, if you will. And frankly, it's rude to bring your pet to someone else's property and let them drop spackle everywhere. Thusly, it has become a necessity for me to diaper-train my chickens. IT'S FOR WORK, GUYS. I am a very serious businessperson.

Molty chicken doesn't have many tail feathers at the moment. Also, she wears a ladies' size XS.

So yeah...I made my own. And you can, too. Or you can just stop reading this right now and go buy a ready made one from any number of online merchants on The Google. I don't care. I'm two glasses of sparkling wine in and slowly coming to terms with the fact that I am a person who is writing a tutorial about chicken diapers.

What you'll need:

• 1 pair of ladies underwear; hipster or french cut works best, the stretchier the material, the better. Thong style can work great too as long as the front panel of the undies is pretty substantial. Sizing: you'll have to test different sizes on your birds, but I find that the smaller bodied birds, such as my Polish, wear a ladies' extra small or small, medium-build birds like my Delaware seem to do well with a medium, and my large format girls, like my Orps and my Wyandotte wear a large or an extra large.

• 1 rigid disposable painter's mask (but have extras on hand because this is the poop-catching part and you'll want to be able to swap it out).

• 1 quarter of a standard sheet of paper towel, folded in half twice...for absorption...

• 1 small piece (about an inch long) of double-sided velcro, or a piece of ribbon, or even an inch or so of twisty-tie or pipe cleaner (for securing the straps of the diaper)

• double-sided tape or fashion tape strips. I use fashion tape strips cuz, I dunno--it's what I had, ok? Just use regular old double-sided tape, mmkay?

Let's do this. But first...a few more sips of sparkling wine, thank you very much.

I highly recommend you have a second set of hands to help dress the chicken--it's pretty tricky to do single-handedly, especially the first time (though with practice, it's totally doable).

Please refer to these simple step-by-step illustrations, because I wasn't able to get clear enough photos:

STEP ONE: Question your life choices.

Then place the undies flat on the ground or work surface with the wider side (usually the butt side, unless you're using a thong, in which case the front of the undies is the wider part) of the undies pointing towards the back of the chicken.

STEP TWO: Place the chicken with her feet going through the leg holes. It helps to have one person holding the chicken, and one person maneuvering the skivvies.

STEP THREE: While one person holds the chicken, the other must pull the sides of the undies up and to the back of the neck. You will need to untuck the wings so that they comfortably stick through the panty leg holes as well.

STEP FOUR: Use your fastener of choice and secure the straps behind the neck of the bird. At this time, check that the front of the undies is sitting comfortably over the breast of the chicken (DON'T MAKE THIS WEIRD), and that the back is comfortably covering the butt of the bird.

STEP FIVE: Remove the yellow rubber band straps from the mask (just by pulling them or cutting them off), then secure the folded paper towel to the inside of the painter's mask with double-sided tape or wardrobe tape (this helps soak up any er...liquids).

STEP SIX: Gently insert the painters mask between the back of the undies and the butt of the chicken, paper towel side facing chicken. Nestle it into the fluff of the chicken and make sure it is sitting comfortably (you want it to be snug enough that nothing's going to fall out the sides, obvi), and that it is covering THE IMPORTANT AREAS.

This is your refuse collection basin. The beauty of this little situation is that you can actually slip this whole thing out and either swap it for a fresh one or dump the contents and then stick it back in--all without taking the WHOLE leotard off the chicken. This is key. Trust me.

And that's it. Congratulations, you are now a person whose chicken wears lingerie. Have another drink.

What I love about using ladies' undergarments for this is that

A). They are readily available everywhere.

B). They come in a million colors, prints, fabrics, and styles to suit any modern chicken's fashion tastes--put your chicken in a bright fun color/print, or put them in one that matches their feathers so that you don't even notice the bird is wearing a damned leotard.

C) they are so low-profile, light, and stretchy that the chickens (at least, my chickens) mind wearing these a heck of a lot less than some other heavier-fabric models I've tried in the past.

Clementine wears a ladies' size XL. Look at that décolleté. LOOK AT IT.

I do, however, want to include a quick little note about diaper-training. Do not expect your bird to be chill with a diaper on right off the bat. In fact, expect them to freak out. Don't just put it on and let them go; you need to ease them into it. Put it on for short, controlled stints and distract them with treats. LAVISH them with treats. Make sure they are not stressing out; some birds may never be comfortable enough with it. Some might be comfortable immediately.

SO YEAH...Chicken Lingerie, guys. Chicken freaking lingerie.